5.07.2012
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 7.1 (What's in the name?)
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 7.1
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
As we approach the end of the Utah Jazz season we must reflect upon the journey this band of misfits has taken us on. A team projected by computer models, experts and skeptic fans to finish somewhere between the Golden State Warriors and the Charlotte Bobcats have outperformed and over achieved by making it to the playoffs. So as a cynical Jazz fan I say, "Job well done, this year Jazz." I will say this, if you don't make the playoffs next year in 5th or better I will retract my statement about this season. You have been warned, Jazz. But I don't want to talk about how the veteran Spurs are dominating an immature Jazz squad. I would like to discuss the New Orleans Hornets. Every so often somebody will buy the New Orleans Hornets and want the old Jazz name back. First off I am okay with the Utah Jazz changing their name. I believe the Jazz name is cursed and has been since their inception in New Orleans in 1974. If the Utah Jazz want to win a championship they will need to rename the team. Here are several suggestions of name changes and why I think the Utah basketball team should change to that name. My first choice would be the Bears, this will not only validate the lame mascot but they could rip off the Da' Bears merchandise and SNL skits. The next name I think would be great for a Utah Basketball team is Deseret. Not only will it open up discussion about the Book of Mormon but it will be a great history review for our young err old people. With this name we could change the mascot to a Honey Bee. He/She could throw out honey or potentially stingers! I don't know really the possibilities are endless. The next possible name is the T-Rexs or is it T-Rexes? It doesn't matter because I think it should be T-Wrecks anyway. Mostly I am just trying to find a name that points out the rich Dinosaur history of Utah. It goes back several hundred million years. Okay next is the 47ers, this of course is in reference to the Pioneers that made it to the Salt Lake Valley in 1847. Also the name could morph into the 47 Pioneers or the P-47's. Then the Energy Solutions Arena could be called the Basketball Shack. As opposed to the B-57's Love Shack. I think a good name would be the Utah Wasatch. Then, this would require something magical like the internet to start spreading rumors about a mystical creature that roams the mountain range in search of food, love and awesome dunks. Some might argue that the monster is just Jeremy Evans lost in the forest others might say it is a tumor that grew on Jerry Sloan's back that he removed by himself and released into the wild. Others will simple shrug the rumors because there simply is no way a tumor can survive in this dry of a climate. The last name I would like point out is a little more obscure than the others but still relevant to Utah namely the Salt Lake Valley and beating up people or things that have wronged the Utah Jazz err the Utah Nemesis franchise. As we all are well versed in Greek Mythology I don't think I need to explain that Nemesis is the Greek God of helping avenge those that have been wronged. Now you might ask, "Why are we making references to Greek Mythology in this valley?" Well it is simple due to the fact that we have what I believe to be one of the greatest peaks in the Wasatch Mountains starring at us all day long. If you don't know which peak this is then you should google it or just go outside in the Salt Lake Valley and find the peak that is the most awesome. That is Mount Olympus. Also another option for the New Orleans is to find a name that is more relevant to their city for example they could be the Hurricanes or Katrina. Maybe that is too soon.
Trivia Time: What do you think a good team name for the Jazz would be?
Gigism of the Week: "Dad I am going to spell my name, G-I-W-7. Gigi!"
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
This message was approved by Eric Jones
4.23.2012
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.52 (One good Mad Lib, deserves another)
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.52
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
Well it is the end of another volume of the (insert adjective) newsletter. I have to say that this past volume was the most (insert adjective) to write. It may have been the addition of a new (insert noun) or perhaps the progression of Gigi through the terrible twos into the (insert adjective) threes. I have been hard at work today washing dishes, cleaning toilets and (insert verb). Time is a fickle mistress. There seems to be enough when you are busy and there is too much when you are bored. Is there any way there could be too much time when you are busy and not enough time when you are bored. I guess if you had a full (insert noun) then time would always be on your side. This week I have come to realization that there is at least one food item that I believe to be delicious on (insert pronoun). Jenny and I were making dinner on Thursday night this past week, yes I sometimes (insert verb) with dinner, when I heard some terrible news. Jenny said, "Oh, no! The tab for the (insert noun) ripped off and I can't get it open now." (I will tell the real noun at the end so you know what I believe heaven on Earth is) I being a strong (insert adjective) man (insert verb) into action. Using my (insert adjective) strength I pulled and pulled only to (insert verb) the bag from seam to (insert noun). I decided at that point I should store the (insert noun) in a ziplock bag. Once I used the (insert noun) I placed it in the fridge on my favorite (insert noun) where I can see easily see it. From that point on every time I make a (insert noun) I see that bag of (insert noun) and say, "Yeah that will make this snack a lot better." And that statement has come true every time I have said it.
It has always amazed me how much better everything is with either a little or a lot of bacon bits. Burritos are more succulent, chips are more chipper, bacon is more delicious, eggs are taste more eggy, and cereal is greasier. You can also read the complete first paragraph in the post script.
Trivia Time: Fill out the paragraph as indicated by the items in parentheses.
Quote of the Week (A Gigism): This is actually a story that happened on Sunday morning. It is a pretty typical ongoing in our house with little Gigi. This story's dialogue is verbatim. Setting; our house, Sunday morning just prior to breakfast still with sleepers in our eyes. Gigi had reported for her morning bathroom stop, I was promptly told to vacate the area. This usually means she will be performing a number 2. This was case that morning. I heard from the bathroom, "Daddy, I pooped!"
Me: "Good job, I will be there in a minute."
Gigi: "Dad come look at my poop. It looks like a snake."
I will have to admit that does has some pretty snake bowel movements. However, when I looked at this particular movement it was a snake section or a snake so tightly coiled it looked more like a baseball.
Me: "That is a funny looking snake."
Gigi: "Yeah, dad it's a snake."
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
Well it is the end of another volume of the audacious newsletter. I have to say that this past volume was the most diffcult to write. It may have been the addition of a new boy or perhaps the progression of Gigi through the terrible twos into the terriblier threes. I have been hard at work today washing dishes, cleaning toilets and sleeping. Time is a fickle mistress. There seems to be enough when you are busy and there is too much when you are bored. Is there any way there could be too much time when you are busy and not enough time when you are bored. I guess if you had a full schedule then time would always be on your side. This week I have come to realization that there is at least one food item that I believe to be delicious on everything. Jenny and I were making dinner on Thursday night this past week; yes I sometimes help with dinner, when I heard some terrible news. Jenny said, "Oh, no! The tab for the bacon bits ripped off and I can't get it open now." I being a strong handsome man leapt into action. Using my manly strength I pulled and pulled only to rip the bag from seam to seam. I decided at that point I should store the bacon bits in a ziplock bag. Once I used the bacon bits I placed it in the fridge on my favorite shelf where I can see easily see it. From that point on every time I make a snack I see that bag of bacon bits and say, "Yeah that will make this snack a lot better." And that statement has come true every time I have said it.
This message was approved by Eric Jones
4.16.2012
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.51 (This is it don't get scared now - Kevin McCallister)
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.51
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
Jenny and I have lived in our home almost 5 years and in those years we have experienced many great run-ins with the other side of the law. I know what you are thinking, "Eric you hate chemistry why would you try and make your own drugs to sell to the elementary kids?" Well I guess I should be flattered that you would think I am capable of fabricating my own drugs let alone have the audacity to peddle them to minors. When I referred to the run-ins with the wrong side of the law I was referring to other people being the perpetrators and we were just the innocent bystanders. For example a police dog followed either the scent of a perp into our yard or the scent of Roscoe and Frankie. That was a fun evening hearing the crawl space door open and shut loudly late at night. I had to call the cops to calm my nerves. That is when I found out I could put down my defense mechanism, sarcasm, because not only would I not need it to disarm a would be criminal I wouldn't even be able to smart to off to local authorities about their lack luster performance. The cop and dog had already vacated the premises prior to my courage kicking in enough to run out of my house fists blazing. Then there was the champagne Altima with 3 teenage boys in it that was parked at the school around 9 AM one Sunday morning. This is not uncommon but as I walked to church the car left when it saw my amazing stature. When I returned from church the car had returned promptly leaving again upon first sight of this incredible human male. As I sat to enjoy Sunday afternoon nachos, a Jones family classic, the Altima returned. I thought this sure seems suspicious. So I called the cops not because one of the guys looked like 2Pac but because it seemed like they were having more fun than they should at school on a Sunday. Turns out the driver was not a nice person because he was arrested and the others were asked to vacate the premises. But these two run-ins pale in comparison to what happened on Friday night. As I slept quietly around 2:30 AM in bed I heard the computer chair being moved across the tile floor. At first I thought nothing of it then I thought, "Oh we might have a poltergeist!" I was super fired up to have my first encounter with the afterlife. Well other than playing Bloody Mary in the Bruse's bathroom as a kid. As I sat in bed thinking what am I to do I quickly popped into action. By this I mean I was anxiously hoping that the noises would stop. They didn't, again I heard the computer chair being moved across the tile floor. I thought it must be Marv from Home Alone. I grabbed for my bo staff. Okay it is not a real bo staff but when necessary old closet rods can double as defense mechanisms. I knew that sarcasm would not work at this point in the night because nobody is clever enough to disarm a would be burglar right after they walk-up. As I reached for the bo staff I hesitated because the chair noises had turned into pitter patter. I thought this burglar is going to be easy to take down, they have small feet. I hope they aren't rabid. The next thing I heard was Gigi opening the door saying, "Daddy I am all wet." I thought great she wet the bed again. Come to find out she had taken the computer chair across the kitchen retrieved a cup from the drying rack and filled said cup up with water along with her PJ's, the floor and the refrigerator tray. At least this is what the detective found out when they arrived to investigate the distress call from inside my head. They really cracked the case wide open that night I tell you what. I however spent the next 15 minutes changing Gigi PJ's, and wiping up all of the water that didn't make it into her cup. She just needed a drink of water to help her sleep. Good thing I didn't use the bo staff. Think of all the drywall I would have had to repair. Oh yeah and Gigi probably wouldn't have taken getting hit by her dad too lightly.
Trivia Time: Which side of the equation is larger? 10 + X = 10X.
Quote of the Week (A Gigism): "Why is my nose doing this?" – Gigi (In reference to her runny nose)
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
This message was approved by Eric Jones
4.09.2012
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.50 (If the burning lasts for more than an hour call a doctor)
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.50
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
Last week was full of great adventures and silly stories told by Gigi but I can't remember them due to sleep deprivation. I remember one night sitting in my bed giggling to myself much like Donnie Darko did in the movie Donnie Darko. The only difference is I didn't know that I had just done some time traveling and was about to be crushed by a jet engine. Okay this last sentence probably doesn't make any sense if you haven't seen Donnie Darko. So for those of you in that category just picture me sitting in bed silently giggling to myself. Why was I giggling? Because I had inspiration for what I thought would be an awesome newsletter. However I had a Seinfeld moment and when I woke up the mental notes I made didn't make any sense. So now I will talk about my first trip to Wild Buffalo Wings. I will say that I give it two thumbs up. If you like Buffalo wings then you will love this place. They have more flavors than a two-year old can count. So they have like 20 ranging from not spicy to spices that were created in hell and delivered to them so as to incarcerate human's bowels for days to come. I ordered a flavor third from the bottom, the bottom being the spiciest. By the third wing of this flavor my mouth and tongue were numb with disgust because of brains decision. I guess my mouth was making my brain upset so it was punished. My brain is so clever. I remember uttering indiscernible chatter along the lines of, "This is the worst decision of my life," and "Why would anybody make anything so spicy?" That flavor is called Mango Habenero. Flavors I recommend for consumption are Buffalo Rub, Asian Zing, Honey BBQ, Teriyaki and Parmesan Garlic. I have another hot tip for those of you that are going for the first time. They have wet wipes on the table; you know where they put sugar packets. Instead of sugar they have wet wipes. Therefore there is no need to use your lemonade at the end of the meal to wash your hands. I know what you're thinking why would anybody say something so absurd. Well I didn't imagine it, I watched it happen. My father-in-law was tired of waiting for the wet wipes to get there (please note that the wet wipes were there from the opening of restaurant) so he improvised by dipping one hand and then the other into his lemonade until his hands were sufficiently clean. The waiter either saw this or was told by another person that he was doing this. Moments after my father-in-law made his lemonade into something a little saltier the waiter returned and pointed out the wet wipes that were a few inches from his elbow. Oh the ensuing laughter. Thank you for dinner and show that night.
This past weekend represented Gigi's first visit to the Rio Tinto stadium to enjoy a Real game. She was a delightful little human there shouting the Believe anthem at the top of her little lungs. It was easily the most adorable rendition of that song in existence. The part of the game I want to talk about is the exit of the stadium. She was riding on my shoulders being her silly self saying silly things. At one point she was rubbing her cheek on my head and said, "Your hair is magical dad." After an accidental burp by me that she claimed as her own she began making fake flagellant noises and saying that it was the tree or the lamp or whatever she was looking at. For example she was looking at the UTA worker I was talking to. She made the noise and then said, "Dad, the guy farted." You just try and keep a straight face through that. Luckily the conversation was short and she doesn't talk very loud to strangers.
Trivia Time: Will the Jazz make the playoffs?
Quote of the Week (A Gigism): "Kids don't like bears." - Gigi
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
This message was approved by Eric Jones
4.02.2012
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.49 (Soccer teaches life lessons)
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.49
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
I have had a hankering to participate in soccer for a good while now but I haven't had any opportunities. Last week my dear friend Danny Harris called me with the opportunity I have been seeking. He asked if Gigi would like to play on a 3-yr old soccer team. I told him that she would love to. Then he asked if I would like to be the coach. I have always wanted to coach a team to the championship and you always have to start somewhere. I guess my where a county recreation 3 year old team is. I think that the season is going to be hilarious and adorable all at the same time. I have a game plan already drawn up I am going to tell the kids to see the ball and run after it and try and put it in the goal. To expect anything more should be construed as insanity. Danny told me all I had to do was register Gigi before March 31. I knew that this would be a simple process that should require only 15 minutes of my time. Little did I know that the drive to the rec center would take 20 minutes? Blasted construction. That is okay I was still cool thinking of cuteness that I was striving to be a part of. Hearing Gigi cheers of, "Yeah, I am going to play soccer with the guys!" fueled my uncharacteristically patient demeanor (at this point). I wandered into the rec center seeing that the line was only two deep I knew that it would be a quick visit. As I listened to the person in front of me ask about every program offered at the rec center I grew weary of the workers knowledge of her job. It would have seemed that she had no idea what a computer was or how it could make her job a lot easier if properly used. While she was trying to provide more help to the person then what the person was asking a young family had entered the line behind me. The young daughter, with a prosthetic leg was excited to start gymnastics. The mom remarked that they were late for her class. Taking the initiative she told her daughter to go into the class and she would pay. I told the mom to go next so she could watch her daughter have fun in gymnastics. I thought that she had all of the paper work ready to go and all she had to was pay. Because there are limits to my niceness. I will only be nice like that if I think the process will move along quickly. Wouldn't you know the lady was not a boy scout, meaning she was not prepared like I was. I mean I wasn't a great boy scout but at least learned the importance of being prepared as much as you can. So as another 10 minutes ticked away from my life I remained calm as the line doubled in size behind me. Wouldn't you know the people right behind me were loud, obnoxious and smelly. I should have just turned around and asked them to not stand so close to me and to simmer down. Every time I took a half step forward they took a full step closer to my nose. Apparently you can pay a dollar and shower at the rec center. And I tell you what I was about to give each of them $5 so they could take 5 showers back to back to back to back to back because they needed them. They probably could have used the kindness in their lives as well. Alas I was given some more paperwork to quickly sign so I stepped out of line to free my nose from the smelly prison it had been incarcerated in. Thinking that I could just step right back into the line but the for brief 20 seconds I was out of line another mother took the initiative to register what seemed to be a seemingly endless stream of children. Finally a younger person came to the front desk seeing the struggles of the other worker began helping. The line quickly dissipated into me and a little boy that kept asking hilarious questions about topics not pertaining to the rec center. I took several depth breathes entertaining myself with the automatic card reader light as my paper work was being processed. I would get it to change from green to red and time how long it would take to revert back to its original state. Based on the law of averages the light returns to its original state after 5 seconds of not being agitated. What would I have done if it weren't for that little light? Let's just say I probably wouldn't pass the mandatory background check required for all volunteer coaches. I am sure the 4 week season was worth my 1 hour and 15 minutes of pure hell to register Gigi.
Trivia Time: Are you a man or a Muppet?
Quote of the Week: "Jenny, did you forget my birthday present?" – Brice Wright (You gotta love 5 year olds. If only we could all talk to each like 5 year olds and not get offended by what others say this world would be better.)
On his six month birthday Grayson began army crawling. You go boy!
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
This message was approved by Eric Jones
3.19.2012
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.48 (Detergent theft and other trendy topics)
Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.48
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
Coming off a weekend of watching over 30 hours of college basketball I thought about writing an observation on society as it relates to basketball standards (double meaning). You know talking about lowering the hoops so weaker people can feel good about themselves by being able to make shots or dunk in a glorious fashion. But then I realized that would be more for my own thoughts. Namely because I would have to draw conclusions and make points which I am not about to do. So instead I want to talk about Tide detergent theft, among other things. Apparently in some cities Tide detergent theft is on the rise. I always thought that in an economic down turn Brenda (mother-in-law) or Brenda like people would turn to charities before thievery of the ever crucial laundry detergent. We all know that she does a lot of laundry and apparently a lot of people that do drugs also do laundry. So here is the hook if you want to participate you will need the following. An addiction to drugs, a location where you can readily steal Tide detergent (any old grocer will do), and you will need to know a lot of people that like good deals on Tide detergent (This is where I benefit). I don't know why Jenny hasn't started buying detergent from these people because apparently they sell it for half price all of the time without a coupon. That is some sweet action. So the next time you are on the detergent aisle and a shady character tells you that you can a better deal if you go talk to Crazy Willy behind the dumpster, I say do it. Detergent is expensive. Especially if you do a lot of laundry or you are protecting your house from would be burglars (This is a Home Alone reference; if you didn't get it without the tip then you need to watch Home Alone more often).
After Jenny and I did our taxes this past week we have decided we really should start diversifying our assets and investing more money in stuff. I keep telling her that I invest a lot of money in Doritos but she that is not good enough. I just found where I would like to put my money. It might a little risky since I don't really know how I get a return on my investment but Pray, Montana is up for sell. It only costs $1.4 million dollars and comes equipped with a post office, trailer park, 5-acres of land 30 miles north of Yellowstone, 197 people, killer views and a home owned by the town's unofficial mayor, Barbara Walker (Not related to Barbara Walters, I checked). Walker and her husband purchased the town in 1953 but no longer wishes to be the owner since her husband passed away in 2006. If you are worried about the neighbors, don't because they include, Dennis Quaid, Peter Fonda, and Jeff Bridges. Since my birthday has already come and gone this year you can give it to me for Christmas this year. But it seems like a hot buy so you better get on it.
And the last gem I would like to talk about is a story from Philadelphia, although the story could have taken place in Murray if I rode the bus more often. Please note I haven't changed the name of what I consider to be a true American, scratch that world hero. I found this story on Yahoo News. The story states that everybody has been somewhere that another human is talking too loudly on their cell phone. Society has trained us to simply ignore that person as if they aren't talking. Some people do however ask them to be quiet or stop talking altogether. I usually just make comments under my breathe or turn my music up so I don't have to listen to their silly conversation. I have always wanted to try what Larry David does on Curb Your Enthusiasm. While sitting at dinner by himself he can hear the person next to him talking on his cell phone. Annoyed by this Larry starts having a conversation, out loud, with himself about his daily on goings. The cell phones user grows annoyed with Larry asking him why he is talking to himself to which he responds, "For all know you are talking to yourself too." Anyway back to the Philadelphia story. A man named Eric recently purchased a cell phone signal jammer to use on the bus. He only wanted to ride to work in peace and quiet. Personally I think that his idea is fantastic but apparently it is illegal. Eric tweeted about it and that is how he gained popularity for his heroics. Eric has since learned it is better to do and receive no notoriety for your actions. I wish movie theaters would install these great devices so I can enjoy a movie without being blinded by a text message that says something like, "OMG I think ur gr8." This was voted most frequently texted message of 2004.
Trivia Time: How are your brackets doing?
Quote of the Week: "Why we would expect them to go away. Dave Rose was supposed to die of cancer but he didn't. BYU won't quit so we have to stay on our game" – Buzz Williams (Coach of Marquette University men's basketball team)
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
This message was approved by Eric Jones
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
