Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.06
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
Well another NCAA Tournament is coming to a close and it was another year of busted brackets and gut wrenching yelling at the TV for some young punk to make a miracle shot to help my bracket. All I can say is WTH Duke? How do you take a double digit lead into half and lose the game by double digits? I thought only the Jazz were capable of such a travesty. For those of you that are playing in the Doritos bracket I tried once again to get a corporate sponsor to make the pot a little sweeter. I sent the following letter to the Frito-Lay Corporation. “First I would like to say thank you for bringing the Taco flavor back from what I thought to be early retirement. Secondly, I would like to make mention of a very successful NCAA tournament bracket I have been running for nearly a decade now. The bracket is called the Doritos bracket. This is because I love Doritos and wanted the bracket to be about something cooler than money. What is cooler than money? Doritos are, duh. The winner of the bracket receives a bag of Doritos from each of the other participants. Every year that I manage the bracket the numbers have increased. It is still a small bracket but if I could somehow sweeten the winnings then I could increase my numbers even more. Is there any way you can help me with this? You could send a coupon for discounted Doritos or free Doritos. Think about it me running the bracket is like free advertising, not like you guys need it because Doritos do their own talking (in flavorful form).” I am yet to hear back from them. I am sure that one of two things will happen. They will read the letter and say, “Good try.” Then send me a general response saying that they don’t do that. The other scenario is the Frito-Lay people read the letter and say, “Oh, well isn’t that sweet a 9 year old boy with poor grammar and spelling skills runs a fun little Doritos bracket with his little neighborhood friends.” Then they send me a general response saying they that don’t do that but they are proud of my efforts. Either way I will probably just receive the general form letter like I always do. I will fight for you and the Doritos bracket. If you vote me back in as the manager of the bracket next year then I will do everything I can to make sure the winner is well compensated for their guessing abilities. I don’t care who wins the whole tournament by the way just as long as it is not UCONN or Kentucky. Give those other kids a chance to win.
Trivia Time: I regret to inform you that I didn’t make it to DWK2 this past weekend because Jenny didn’t want to go and let’s face it a happy Jenny is way better than my gut hurting from laughter. How much more rain will get this week? (Ask Jill Margetts if you need a tip. Jill does the weather for channel 2 news on the weekends and I went to school with her. It is funny to see somebody you know do the weather. Also I blame her every time they get the weather wrong which is frequently.)
WARNING THIS SECTION CONTAINS POTTY TALK:
I once read a perplexing question that made me think about my upcoming life. The question was, “Why is it so exciting when your child goes number 2 on the toilet?” This past weekend Jenny and I were able to partake in that excitement. We are not actively potty training but we do have the toilet already for Gigi anytime she wants to sit on the toilet like a big girl. On Saturday I came in from outside only to find Jenny asleep on the couch and Gigi was hidden. I didn’t know where she could be I called her name and looked everywhere. Jenny just kept saying she was in the kitchen but I couldn’t see her. She had hidden herself in the pantry. When I took her out of there she started freaking out saying, “I poopy.” So naturally I took her into bedroom to change her diaper but when I got down to it there was no poop but I could see that she was trying to, you know, poop. So I took her to the bathroom put her on the toilet and so began the battle. She screamed, she cried, she grunted, she stomped her feet on the ground and she bore down. Oh about 5 or so minutes later we heard it. She jumped up in excitement because Jenny and I practically gave her a standing ovation for her performance. When we looked at what had happened we saw a ball the size of a golf ball sitting in the toilet. Poor little lamb had to, you know, poop that golf ball. So in her excitement she ran around the kitchen for a little while and she had to tell somebody about her story and there was Frankie. I wish I had it on film because she said the following to our dog, “Frankie, I poop.” Then she acted out sitting on the toilet and her grunting. Then she stood up and looked back and cheered. It was at the point that I realized, once again, the value of a good BM, such a relief.
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
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