Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.07
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
At what point do you realize you are too competitive? And at what point does your body tell you, “Hey idiot quit doing what you are doing because you are too old.” I am here to tell you that I have found my breaking point for both of those questions. Oddly enough they both happened yesterday. Sunday evening dinner at my parents usually excites laughter from our family and other boisterous behavior. Yesterday was no different, it all started when I performed the funnel and button practical joke on my brother. That is where you (prankster) puts a funnel in your pants and button or coin on your forehead. Then you look down and the button falls into the funnel. The hardest part of the trick usually is to get somebody else to try it out. Once you get somebody to do it this is what happens. As they are looking up with the button on their head you pour water or some liquid into the funnel. Oh the classiness of this joke. From that joke we moved to Leg wrestling (I won), and Stand-up arm wrestling (Brady won). It then turned into the stick pull game which quickly deteriorated into some game my dad would play as a kid after stick ball got boring. In his game you attempted to dislocate your shoulder or elbow in order to take a stick between your legs and around your back without letting go of stick. I am super sore from all of those activities. So my body is too old to play those games without properly warming up first. The point when I realized I am too competitive came in the last game we played. The game is called Ol’ Bag Pick Up, I just made that up. The game is played by taking a large brown paper bag and while balancing on one foot you have to bend over and pick up the bag with your mouth. Everybody did a pretty good job for the state or condition they were in at the time. The final four competitors were Parker (6-years old and closest to the ground), Payton (9-years old and second closest to ground), Jenny (between 10 and 30 years old and third closest), and me (28, chubby, not flexible and furthest from the ground). Distance from the ground is determined by mouth to ground height. The bag was about 6 inches tall and I knew that if I got it at that height I could consider myself a winner. But that wasn’t enough I wanted to be the best at the Ol’ Bag Pick Up. So what did I start to do I started to trash talk my 6-year and 9-year old nephews. The trash talk didn’t work and in the end it didn’t matter because Jenny was crowned grand champion of the Jones family. She, on one foot, bent over and picked up the bag when it was only 4 or so inches high. After we got home she bragged even more by saying, “Oh, what’s that you want my slipper?” So on one foot she bent over and picked up her slipper with her mouth and handed it to me. It is good thing I already realized that trash talking elementary school kids is my limit otherwise I probably would have shut the bathroom door and yelled profanities for several minutes. I guess I can let Jenny be better at that one thing. It can be the thing that she says when we she wants something like, (Jenny talking) “Hey Eric remember when I bent over picked up my slipper with my mouth while standing on one foot?” I of course will acknowledge because who wouldn’t be impressed with that? She would then say, “Go get my drink, my book and something to snack on while I read.” I will have to do it because come on she bent over and picked up her slipper with her teeth while balancing on one foot.
Trivia Time: For those of you that guessed we are going to get a little bit of rain and a lot of snow then you were correct for those of you that wanted the sun to stay sorry I guess you have go back to cold weather songs on your ipods or whatever it is you kids listen to now of days. I for one switched over to my upbeat spring songs but driving to work today it just didn’t seem right so I went back to a mellower playlist. This week’s question is when will the next Jazz win occur? If you want to, you can just say a year like 2012 (This of course assumes a lock-out will occur this year in NBA or maybe not).
I just want to say one thing. If Butler wins tonight I will be having a pizza party at my house in their honor and you are all welcome to come and enjoy some victory pizza. Supplies are limited. Also I am not going to tell you when it is so you will have to show up and hope that it is at that time or you could call first.
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
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