Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.46 (St. George wasn't always so saintly)

                     Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.46    

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt

-Mark Twain

 

This week, vacation highlights and stuff Gigi is getting better at. This past weekend the Jones family went to St. George for a quick visit to see Grandpa Taylor. The trip is always a quick one leaving Friday morning returning Sunday night, the time seems to fly faster than normal. Each of us all had different vacation highlights; Grayson's favorite part (of course he didn't say this I am just assuming) of the trip was that fact that Jenny had to nurse him most of the night so he didn't cry. If only I could have been hooked up to a feeding tube while I slept, oh glory! Gigi's favorite part of the trip was the Rosenbruch Wild Animal Museum. She kept talking about the big bears and how they used a big stick to get the bears into the museum. These thoughts were Lilly influenced. I didn't go to the museum because I was golfing on frozen brown grass. But it was still enjoyable. Since we only had three they had another golfer play with us. Joe originally from New Jersey but newly transplanted into the bustling community of Farmington. Vardell brought it up that he looked like he had ties to the mafia. Of course he denied it but once he told us what his job was we were all certain he was in the witness protection program. His job was tracking down counterfeit women's products like creams and makeup. It seemed like his answers were a little too well rehearsed. I was riding with him and decided I better just ride in silence. Luckily in his short time in Zion he knew which school to cheer for so we had something to talk about. Also he would hit the ball straight and I wouldn't so there was a lot of separation in our cart. Just when you think you are growing close to somebody, you start suspecting they are in witness protection. It is those types of thoughts that have ruined many a relationship between friends. Jenny's highlight was a sentimental one. She enjoyed the time that her grandpa was able to play with Grayson for the first time. My highlight was also very simple but after 4 plus hours of driving it is nice to be rewarded with a big thank you and cheers. As I parked the car in the Heritage Center Gigi shouted from the backseat, "You did it Daddy! Good Job! You got right in there." Then she clapped so we all joined in and cheered wildly for Eric. Well Grayson didn't he said, "A trained monkey could have done that Dad." Thanks for keeping me grounded Gray. In short a quick vacation is always nice to break up the monotony of everyday life. Also we got the trip in before March Madness this year, so I can focus on the importance of March and watch 12 hours of College basketball on March 15^th and 16^th. I will be having my annual brackets again. There will be the fun one, the Doritos one and money one.

 

You would be surprised to know how much time of my life has been wasted getting Gigi to stop putting both of her legs into the same pant leg. Recently she has finally caught on how pants work. One leg goes in that hole and one leg goes in this hole. The other item Gigi has learned that saves me a lot of time is how to use the mouse on the computer. It has taken some color coding but now she can sit down get onto Elmo's Word World and play for her allotted time. Who am I kidding? As long as she is sitting there being quite she could play all day. She always seems to quit at around 15 minutes of game play.

 

Trivia Time: What do you take for granted?

 

Quote of the Week: "We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." – Frederick Keoning

 

Have a good week I know I will

Eric Jones

www.oprahismymom.blogspot.com

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This message was approved by Eric Jones

Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.45 (7-11's take over the world is imminent)

                     Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.45    

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt

-Mark Twain

 

It has come to my attention that 7-11 is slowly taking over the world. If I were a rich millionaire that spent his time fighting weird on goings I would start to investigate 7-11. As I drove past the latest 7-11 franchise on 7000 South and 1300 West I couldn't ignore the facts any longer. The facts were made and altered by me so as to create more controversy. The next time you go out, see how many 7-11 stores you drive past. From my house to my parents, a 5 minute drive I pass 3 stores. Each one more enticing than the last. When I drive to yoga along 700 East I drive past 6 stores some of them are gas stations and there are two that sit right across the street from each other. This also occurs on the corners of 7000 South and Redwood rd. Seeing all of these 7-11 stores makes me think about something that I often discuss with Jenny. Usually the conversation begins after we watch a historical movie or read a historical book that deals with racism or women's rights. I ask Jenny, so our generation looks at how our grandparent's generation treated different races and I ask, "What will our grandchild look at and say, 'You used to do that?'" The conversation always turns to our diet. Jenny says, "Our grandkids will look at what we eat and say you used to eat that?" Oh calamity. So in my current diet there are several foods that I think my grandkids will say, "I can't believe you would even try to digest such items." Most of these products are best sellers at 7-11. The first thing they will be appalled with is anything where one of the main ingredients is sugar. Therefore the following foods that are on my favorite list that are in this category: Pepsi, Snickers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, donuts, cake, and snow cones. Snow cones also fit into the next category which is the artificial coloring category. It is funny a news report several months ago wanted to blow people's minds by pointing out that there is sawdust in a lot of our foods. The reporter interviewed a nutritionist from the University of Utah and they said, "I would much rather eat sawdust than artificial flavors and coloring. At least sawdust is natural." Other items that I love to eat that are included in this category are sports drinks, and Otter Pops. The last category of food that my grandkids will be appalled with that I currently eat are foods that nobody really knows for sure how they are made or what part of the animal it comes from. I of course am talking about Hot Dogs. Oh they are so delightful but I am sure they hold little to no nutritional value. But why say no when it feels so good to say yes?  I am sure by the time I become old they will have some sort of scanner that will add 30 to 40 years onto my life but who wants to live that long?

 

Trivia Time: Board games are never a waste of time. Why aren't there more award shows?

 

Quote of the Week: "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." - Martin Luther King Jr.

 

 

Have a good week I know I will

Eric Jones

www.oprahismymom.blogspot.com

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This message was approved by Eric Jones

Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.44 (Fun facts about lesser know Presidents of the United States)

                     Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.44    

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt

-Mark Twain

With it being President's Day I would normally take the day off and reflect to myself about the importance of Presidents. But I feel it important to bring to light several fun facts about lesser known presidents throughout our countries history. From last year we know that I give my biggest tip of the hat to Grover Cleveland, a man who won the presidency then lost it then won it again for his second term (so he is counted as the 22^nd and 24^th president). A man who as president did what he thought was right and made sure what he said was going to happen, happened. He was not a politician rather a man that didn't concern himself with the next election rather he did what he thought would be best for the country for continual progression. Consequently the country did progress during both of his shifts. So here are some fun facts about lesser known presidents (www.littleknownfactsshow.com/presidents.html).

The 12^th president of the United States Zachary Taylor: No formal education. Taylor served in the regular Army for 40 years and never voted, never belonged to a political party nor took any interest in politics until he ran for president at age 62. He was elected in the first national election held on the same day in all states (November 7, 1848). He pastured his old Army horse, Whitey, on the White House lawn and visitors would take horse hairs as souvenirs. Died in office of gastroenteritis (extreme diarrhea) on July 9, 1850.

The 13^th president of the United States Millard Fillmore: No formal education. Vice President under Taylor. Fillmore did not meet Taylor until after they were elected. When he moved into the White House, it didn't have a Bible. He and his wife, Abigail, installed the first library. He installed the first bathtub (So what did they do before this? Was it like in Cinderella and they had birds wring out sponges over their heads in the morning? Or maybe it was like how I had to bath myself with a gallon of water because the land lady wouldn't let us turn on the pump before 8 AM.) and kitchen stove in the White House. Fillmore couldn't read Latin and refused an honorary degree from Oxford University, saying a person shouldn't accept a degree he couldn't read.

The 19^th president of the United States Rutherford Birchard Hayes: Graduated Kenyon College (1842) and Harvard Law School (1845). On September 8, 1880 Hayes arrived in San Francisco to become the first president to visit the West Coast. He was the first president to graduate from law school. Mrs. Hayes, Lucy Ware Webb, was known as "Lemonade Lucy" because she refused to serve alcohol in the White House (I don't know how many others there have been since her but there could be another dry White House starting next year, but then again they might tolerate alcoholic beverages who knows. I mean Utah was the state that ended prohibition). The first telephone was installed in the White House by Alexander Graham Bell himself. The first Easter egg roll on the White House lawn was conducted by Hayes and his wife. He kept his campaign pledge and refused to run for a second term.

The 25^th president of the United States William McKinley: Attended Allegheny College. On February 15 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine was blown up in Havana harbor. On April 25, the U.S. declared war on Spain. May 1, Admiral George Dewey led a major U.S. victory over Spain in the Battle of Manila Bay. February 6, 1899, the Treaty of Paris, ending the war was approved by the U.S. Senate. Spain ceded the Philippines, Puerto Rico and Guam and agreed to the independence of Cuba. September 6, 1901 McKinley was shot twice in the chest at point blank range by Leon Czolgosz while visiting the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo (who says Buffalo isn't exciting?), New York. He died on September 14 whispering his favorite hymn "Nearer my God to Thee." McKinley's wife, Ida, was an epileptic and suffered a seizure during the second inaugural ball. He was the first president to use the telephone while campaigning He is thought to hold the record for presidential handshaking - 2,500 per hour. McKinley exercised very little. Had he been in better shape, his doctors said he might have survived his assassin's bullets.

The 27^th president of the United States William Howard Taft: Graduated Yale College (1878); Cincinnati Law School (1880). Secretary of War under Roosevelt. February 3, 1913 the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution authorizing income taxes was ratified. It states simply: "The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration." (So if you hate income tax, he is the man you should talk to in the afterlife.) Taft is the only person to serve as both President and Chief Justice (1921-1930) of the U.S. He inaugurated the custom of the president throwing out the first ball to start the baseball season. Mrs. Taft was responsible for the planting of the Japanese cherry trees in Washington. Taft, who weighed 332 pounds, got stuck in the White House bathtub the first time he used it. A larger one was ordered. The Taft's owned the last presidential cow and the first White House automobile.

Trivia Time: Sharks don't got bones. How much time can be wasted on board games?

Quote of the Week: "All great change in America begins at the dinner table." – Ronald Regan (I am not sure but I think the dinner table is a maximum security prison, just a thought.)

Have a good week I know I will

Eric Jones

www.oprahismymom.blogspot.com

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This message was approved by Eric Jones

Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.43 (The worst drivers congregated at the DLD)

                     Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.43    

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt

-Mark Twain

 

Are you currently depressed? Do you currently have some issue with the way you look? Do you think your body odor is terrible? Do you think that you are not that good at taking showers? If you answered, 'yes' to any of these questions then you should make an appointment to renew your driver's license. I spent this morning renewing mine. Well really the process started last week. Knowing that I needed to renew my license and knowing that you need a lot more than the last time I got my license (A cute smile, and an old license) I went to the internets to discover what I needed. Turns out you can take one of several items including a passport, certified birth certificate, social security card, W-2, military ids and you will need to bring at least two pieces of mail with your name on it. You can find all that information by searching online with 'renew driver's license in Utah, what do I need.' I was amazed at some of the stuff I had to provide, the strangest being a stool sample taken within 48 hours of renewing your license. So my second attempt of renewing my license began today around 9:30 when I arrived at the DLD building in West Valley. Before exiting my car I already had a confidence boost from the group of people hanging out in front of the building. Right when you walk into the building you get into line, now if you are prepared you will have your form all filled out prior to getting there. I did. Then begins one of my least favorite things about humans; their inability to maintain proper distance between people while waiting in line. I have never understood this because in America where we respect the line and wait "patiently" for our turn you can't get ahead of the person in front of you. I know that in other countries the more aggressive person will get their order taken first by speaking up first or by making themselves more noticeable by waving their arms and screaming as if they were on fire. The person behind me, who waited in the line the entire time until somebody told him that it was their second time through the line that day because they didn't have proper documentation, realized that he didn't have the correct paper work so he exited the line. I wanted to tap him on the shoulder and be like couldn't you have realized that at the beginning of the line so I didn't have you breathing down my neck and bumping into me throughout the entire line? I was at the front of the line when a father and two young girls were talking to the worker. The worker was explaining to them in English that they didn't have the proper paperwork. They didn't have a strong grasp of English so the communication was breaking down. I have seen what happens next several times and when I was younger man I would have gladly stepped in and offered my services as a translator. However, knowing that my Spanish has disintegrated into the mispronunciation of words to make them sound like funny Spanlish (Spanish English mix) words I did what every young man does when they ask for somebody to say the pray I began looking everywhere but at the human. So there he was looking and looking for somebody that could work as a translator. The next thing I hear is, "Speak Spanish?" I looked at him hoping he was looking at the elderly couple in front of me or the lady in a wheelchair behind me but alas he was staring right at me. I dejectedly hung my head and said, "Yes." I approached the bench as if the worker behind the desk was determining life or death sentences. My hands began to sweat my mouth tighten as he very quickly began to explain the situation. I almost said, "Is this a hidden camera show?" But I couldn't because I have forgotten most of those words. I struggled and struggled through telling him that the paper work he provided just wouldn't cut it for government work. What? Instead of a utility bill, bank statement or other form of mail with a date on it proving he lived at the address he brought a letter from Steven Henegar's College and an item addressed to current resident or His name. Those items are not found on the proper documentation list PS. So once I told him he would have to get better mail and apologizing for my bad Spanish he left and it was my turn. I bowed my knee in submission to the great overload of the DLD. The crowd watched in silence for the signal. She pointed to the seat and said, "Sit here while I take your picture." I was in. After my picture I sat and waited, wishing I had a book; instead I had to listen to people's conversations. This is what you have to do if you want to feel better about yourself. Please note if you don't feel better about yourself then you are the one that is supposed to be talking to the other people to help them feel better about their selves. In turn you will feel better because you are helping people feel better about whom they are. Understand? While you wait I recommend that you eavesdrop and you try and answer the trivia questions they have scrolling on the electronic board. I think I got one right. One of the questions I didn't get correct is asked below. After about a half hour it was my turn at the window. The nice lady quickly processed my paper scanning all of the required documents and sending them to Uncle Sam's house so he can track me better. I don't know why I thought she was joking when she told me I had to take a test prior to getting my new license because she hadn't even smiled at me the entire time I was asking random questions about the renewal process. But when she said, "You will have to take a 25 question test." I responded quickly in true cousin Eddie amazement, "You serious?" She then informed me that my license had been suspended, news to me but when it was open book I thought it is not that big of a deal. However I did just watch the movie, "License to Drive." You know the movie with Corey Ham and Corey Feldman. Anyway he fails his test and out of anger he slaps the computer causing the system to fail. I thought I could do something like that if I missed too many questions. After I completed the test it said I got 100%. When I went to the desk the girl gave me congratulations for passing and getting a 100%. I told her that I just found the answers in the book. She, very sarcastically and dryly looked at me and said, "You'd be surprised at how many people don't pass with the book right in front of them." That statement was the perfect end to a continuous thought I had while I was there, "These people are driving on the same streets I am driving on? How am I still living?"

 

Trivia Time: How many bones does a shark have in its body?

 

Quote of the Week: "Dad shaved his beard, and mom shaved her beard too." - Gigi

 

Have a good week I know I will

Eric Jones

www.oprahismymom.blogspot.com

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This message was approved by Eric Jones

Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.42 (Pride in yourself is required to get out of bed)

                     Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.42    

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt

-Mark Twain

 

There are several moments in my life that I have thought that what I am doing or did was beyond my abilities as the cruddy human being I tend to be. Such events or accomplishments include but are not limited to and are in no particular order of importance: Finding a girl that would tolerate me, being patient enough to have two children, writing a thesis, graduating college with an above average GPA. When I looked at this I thought that there would never be any accomplishments in the realm of physical activity. I would be stuck remembering scoring my first goal on the high school varsity team, sinking several free throws in a row to help my 5^th grade Jr. Jazz team go undefeated, and hilarious plays in my team sports classes (there are been a lot of them since I took like 4 team sports classes while stuck in high school). I don't like to run long distances or ride bike for extreme exercise so my accomplishments of physical activity were becoming more and more limited as I grew into an older man. This past weekend, after a lot of asking, Jenny invited me to yoga, not just regular yoga but Bikram Yoga. This version of yoga is performed in a room heated to 105F. So you can image the amount of sweat generated in one class could probably water a typical Utah residential landscape. I was very skeptical of my ability to maintain a straight face as I was being instructed to perform the postures. Each class is 90 minutes long. Not only do you have to maintain concentration but there is no talking. I don't go 90 minutes while sleeping without talking. As the sweat being beading up in several places the class began. I sat starring at myself in the mirror enjoying my beard and how handsome I look with my shirt off when the difficult part began. We were instructed to take deep breathes inhaling, making a humorous noise and exhaling making an even more humorous noise. I will say this, if you can make it through the first part without laughing you will be okay. Because from then on out you are just trying not to embarrass yourself this requires the utmost focus. I will admit that I have to make the yoga experience a game otherwise I couldn't make it through. I know they say that there is only person you compete against while doing yoga, yourself but I like to compete against the people around me. I don't tell them this but when I see them pull out of posture it fuels my fire to dig deeper. I will admit the first time I did it I probably was the 4^th worst of the cluster of 7 people but I have never done yoga. This morning when I did it again I ranked 4^th again. But the competition was a lot better this morning. Soon enough I will be 3^rd then if I pick my spots well I could potentially be 2^nd out of 7 people. I don't think I will ever be first unless I cheated and started pushing people over. It could happen, I love to win. To make a long story a little bit longer I have once again found a physical activity that I can leave feeling proud of what I have accomplished in 90 minutes. I recommend that everybody try it at least once. Even if you don't like at least it you have been sweating out all of those toxins in your body. It was much needed for me after last night's super smorgasbord of sugars and fats.

 

Trivia Time: When have you been the most proud of yourself?

 

Quote of the Week: The instructor quoting Bikram (almost making me chuckle), "You can spend 90 minutes in hell or 90 year of hell."

 

Have a good week I know I will

Eric Jones

www.oprahismymom.blogspot.com

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This message was approved by Eric Jones

Roscoe was one the best dogs in the world and Frankie (the white dog) was his best buddy for roughly 30 dog years. Rest in peace little Roscoe you are loved and missed.

Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.41 (A tribute to the world's best dog)

                     Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.41

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt

-Mark Twain

 

Often times in your life you will meet someone or some creature that teaches you a lot about who you are and what you would like to be. I guess as I think about the important life-forms in my life, my list wouldn't be complete without Roscoe. But now as we look back on the events of last Tuesday we can only ponder on a life that was lived to the fullest by a dog that enjoyed every moment of his existence. Roscoe was a Cairn Terrier much like Todo from the Wizard of Oz. He was an amazing athlete. Standing roughly 1 foot tall Roscoe could easily jump over our 4 foot high fence. He would often do this to run free in the park across the street from our house. He would sniff, pee and enjoy the wide open spaces. Roscoe, once his business was complete would always return safely home to our loving arms. It always brought joy to our hearts to see our little puppy sitting at the front gate patiently waiting for us to let him back in. Frankie would always tell us that he had arrived home. On Tuesday January 24, 2012 Roscoe leapt over our fence for the millionth time to go and have free reign of the school yard. Around 1:30 PM Jenny heard a knock at the door it was Animal Control informing Jenny that he had just picked Roscoe up. Jenny thought that he had been incarcerated again but he had been run over by a car. Roscoe left our family to play in the great spacious fields of the afterlife. He truly was the best dog in the world. Well tied for 1^st with Frankie but we think he may have edged Frankie out.

 

Roscoe was the leader of the pack; he knew what he wanted and did everything he could to get it. If he were a human he would have been a high powered CEO that controlled more of the world then people would like to admit. Instead as a dog he was in control of small army of dogs that secretly met up to play games of 4-square and cause chaos anywhere they could. Okay that last part isn't true but if you knew Roscoe you knew he demanded respect and attention. He also enjoyed some quality alone time to reflect on his existence. He was a deep thinker always trying to better himself. Every time I would come home, it didn't matter if it was late, hot, cold, raining, snowing or ideal conditions he would pick up his ball wag his tail and run to the door in hopes to get a little fetch in. I have always wanted to play catch in my yard and Roscoe helped fulfill that desire. He knew when it was time to come in and cuddle up next to you. He was the cuddliest dog I have ever had. He loved lying right on you to let you know exactly what you meant to him. The things I loved most about Roscoe can't be replaced. I like to tell myself that he is not dead but rather he has been recruited by a top secret government agency. The agency needed some new recruits that could infiltrate the enemy's hearts. Roscoe is the perfect dog for the job. Quick, agile and full of energy Roscoe could run 40 yards in 3.5 seconds (I didn't ever time him I am just guessing and how are you going to prove me wrong?) I can just picture Roscoe held up in a cave with the enemy secretly planting listening devices and plotting extraction plans. You will be missed little buddy.

 

Trivia Time: Has anybody found the pet cemetery where I can resurrect Roscoe?

 

Quote of the Week: It doesn't matter what happens in your life, what matters is how you deal with it. (I told this to Frankie who is really depressed about the whole experience)

 

Have a good week I know I will

Eric Jones

www.oprahismymom.blogspot.com

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This message was approved by Eric Jones