Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 4.38 (guest author)

Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 4.38

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt

-Mark Twain

You are for a treat this week we have a guest writer. This is a true story from the life of a person who wishes to be anonymous.

Operator: West Valley Police Dispatch. How can I help you?
Me: Yeah... I found a suspicious package on my driveway this morning. It's a clear bag full of money and some sort of mixture that looks like sand and salt.
Operator: Can you tell what it is?
Me: No, but I thought it might be drugs so I called. I can clearly see a $100 bill.
Operator: Ok. I'll send some officers out there soon.
Me: Should I move the bag away - in case the person comes back for it?
Operator: No, don't touch it till they get there and see what it is.

So I patiently wait and because I'm certain that the person who dropped this will be back, I wait outside and stand right over the package. Ten minutes later a cop car pulls up.

Officer 1: Hello Miss. So, you have a suspicious package huh?
Me: Yes, it's right here. I'm not sure what it is, but I haven't touched it.
Officer 2: You found it this morning?
Me: Yes, as I was taking the garbage out. I checked with my roommates and it doesn't belong to them.
Officer 1: Okay, let's take a look at this. Uh, Miss... this is a fake bill.
Me: What?!
Officer 1: Yeah, it's fake. Let's open it up.
Me: Do you want me to go get some gloves?
Officer 1: [chuckling] No, that won't be necessary. Well you did find something... this is an advertisement.
Me: What?! An advertisement!
Officer 1: And the drugs... that's actually sand. It's an easy way to advertise. Fill the bag and toss it.
Me: [laughing pretty hard at this point].... I thought I stopped a drug drop
Officer 1: Nope, but it appears the advertiser caught your attention.

At this point my neighbor comes around the corner to see what's going on.

Officer 1: Hello Ma'am. Did you get your $100 this morning.
Brooke: Yeah, I sure did. I already tossed mine.
Me: Not me! I thought it was drugs so I called the police! I even made sure to not touch the package. I must watch too many cop/crime drama's cause I could just see CSI out here tearing up the front yard. I feel really stupid right now... I'm so sorry to waste your time.

Officer 2: Well you've made our morning a lot funnier.

Me: Well, I'm glad I could help.

Officer 1: Well have a great day, cause you've made ours!


Trivia Time: Corn on the Cob was the answer. It sure is good stuff. This week's question is how far is it to New York City from Salt Lake City and could walk there in my lifetime?


Beat the Odds Tip: Don't do drugs or sand that you think is drugs.


So you know how when you drive somewhere you almost always run into a traffic light? Have you ever thought, this light is red but I could go and not get in trouble? I have had those thoughts several times in my life. However, the law is the law and you can't break the law. Or can you? I think that if you accidentally do it then it is completely fine. For instance this past week I have been in daze not once but twice sitting at a red light when for some reason my brain and foot say, "Hey, let's go." Only to realize about half way through, the light it is red. The awesome thing is I have saved like 15 seconds of my life that I can now use to sit down and do nothing. Also have you noticed that a banana is the opposite a street light. Green means stop don't eat that banana. Yellow means you can eat it but with caution. Red means where the hell did you get that banana?


Have a good week I know I will

Eric Jones


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