Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 5.52
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
***Editors note: Last week I stated, "Vardell sleeps with a dog." This was in reference to their dog Barkley. I did not call my mother-in-law a dog. I hope this stops any confusion that may have occurred.
You know that song in the musical Les Miserable? You know, "One Day More"? Yeah, that song. Well, I am at a point right now with this beard where it is a lot like that song. Except it is not a day it is a week. So it is like one week more till beard revolution. Oh what a glorious day it will be when I start shaving again. When asked why I grow the beard, because I usually tell people it is a thorn in my side, I tell them that it is always important to set goals and accomplish those goals. Also I hate to shave so it is a win win until the beard gets to this point where it has a mind of its own. I am almost certain that while I sleep, my beard is out partying. Because when I wake up my beard has apparently been drinking and possibly doing drugs because it feels terrible. I don't know how bearded men or women do it. Sometimes, in the morning, I find random things in my beard like drug paraphernalia. Can you just image my little beard out there in the cold trying to get his next fix? He (I am assuming my beard is a male since I am a male and since it is a beard. I guess it could be a unisex drone) sprouts little beard legs and jumps down from the bed somehow gets out the front door catches the midnight train downtown scores some alcohol and drugs from Crazy Willy at the Tesoro and hurries home in a drunken state (Side note: I am not picturing the beard detaching itself from my face I am picturing the beard dragging me around where ever it goes because I drag it around where ever I go all day long). You have to ask yourself, "Where does he get money?" The 2011 birthday beard has been very enlightening this year. As I think about other people with beards I am constantly caught up in thought with Vincent Van Gogh because I think they got it wrong. He didn't cut off his ear in the name of love he did it because he was so sick and tired of his beard that he was shaving in anger. There are several things you don't want to do in anger; shaving is like number 8 on the list. Combine that with poor shaving equipment and you have a recipe for disaster (Not a Guns N Roses album). You get body parts falling off, you get loss of blood, and you get danger with a capital D. The point is, as much as I love to look cruddy with a sad thin beard I am always the most happy when it goes away for a year. Who knows maybe this will be the last beard for Eric Jones, on this planet.
Trivia Time: Who will win the next Super Bowl? (If there ever is a next Super Bowl)
With my birthday coming up it is high time I tell you all what it is I want for my birthday. I have decided to omit the fact that I just want the Jazz to play better and quit playing like a bunch of idiots. Therefore this birthday list will be full of real items that may be purchased at a store or accomplished with a little effort on your part.
· A glove that acts like a keyboard so I can air type. Think about it gloves that I put on and just type all day long in the air. This will help with my elbows from getting soar by resting on the desk all day.
· Jean overalls that are shorts. I got a pair of these for my 8th birthday so let's celebrate the 20 year anniversary of that gift in style.
· A parking spot just for me at my office.
· A zip line that connects my office building to that specified parking spot.
· To be faster at everything, not just running but stuff like eating and reading and sleeping. Yeah I wish I could sleep faster that way I could do more cool stuff like air type on a computer (Pending the reception of typing gloves).
· I want a USB port inserted into my brain that allows me to quickly learn anything in the world. Like how to fight like a black belt ninja or how to make an afghan. Not just any afghan one of those fancy Vanna White Afghans.
· Last but not least I want Frankie to quit being so nosey, he is always asking me where are you going what are you doing and why aren't you doing it with me? Get a life Frankie I can't take you through this existence by the paw at some point you have to man up and do something for yourself. Also the fact that I have to waste a birthday gift on this is absurd and makes me upset.
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
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This message was approved by Eric Jones
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