Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.09
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain
Well that is embarrassing is a phrase that is commonly uttered from my mouth. Sometimes I say it because a person did something like trip and fall or (most frequently) I have done something that other people have seen. This was the case this past Sunday. There were two events that happened both of which can be classified under the tab, that is embarrassing. Well the one is funny up until a point, then it got kind of embarrassing but the comedy factor was still there. With the warming of the temperatures different fruits become more readily accessible, such as grapes. Now if my brain serves me correctly, I told you all about my record breaking grapes in the mouth at one time that I performed last year. Just in case I didn’t, last year I put 37 grapes in my mouth at one time. This destroyed my previous record of 28 grapes. So yesterday I was eating grapes in front of Brittany and I don’t know for sure but it looked like I was grossing her out so I thought, if this is grossing her out eating one grape I should try and eat a lot of grapes in front of her. So I asked, “How many grapes do you think I can put in my mouth at one time?” She answered, “20.” I was shocked and appalled that she would even such a low number. She then quickly said, after seeing my disgust “30, no 40 I mean 50.” I said, “50, now there is a challenge.” And so it began. I came out strong putting roughly 30 grapes in my cheeks and behind my lips. I was comfortable and ready to go for 50. After putting 10 more grapes in my mouth I realized that one grape was stuck in the back of my mouth hitting my uvula. Then the gag reflex started and Mahina started to laugh. If you haven’t heard her laugh it is contagious and I had to really focus to not laugh. Somehow a miracle had happened and the gagging grape had moved so I continued on my journey reaching 45 grapes. Then the laughter really kicked up and I couldn’t contain it anymore, I started to laugh. Spit came shooting out of my mouth all over kids, women and other food. I should have stopped at that point and said 45 is my new record but I pressed forward. After composing myself another grape started to gag me and then I felt it. The stingy sensation of regurgitated tacos had made its way to the back of my throat. I bent over the sink and out came the grapes and what I would consider 1.5 tacos. We all a good laugh and had I not been riding the victory of extending my record to 45, I really would have been embarrassed.
Trivia Time: Who do you think will win the NBA Championship this year?
The other story happened after we got home. Jenny went to unlock the door but she couldn’t find her keys. Great, Jenny misplaced her keys again, classic Jenny. She looked through her purse, I looked through her purse, and we both looked through the diaper bag but alas there were no keys. So I called my mom to ask if they had been kicked into the closet or thrown under the couch but they were nowhere to be found. I texted the others that were at my parents hoping that they had accidently picked them up but they didn’t take them either. In the mean time I had gone and searched the car twice and looked around the ground where the keys may have fallen but they weren’t there. So we decided that one of us should drive back to my parent’s house to aide in the search party. We looked in the grass in the front and back yard but we couldn’t see anything so I being frustrated turned back to the car. With flashlight in hand I searched the driver’s side but didn’t see anything. My mom searched the passenger’s side and I saw her look in the center console. I thought to myself, “Silly mom why we would put keys in the center console.” Just then she asked, “Now whose keys are these?” I thought you have to be kidding me they were in the center console. As she handed them to me I asked where she found them she said something worse than the center console she said, “They were on the driver’s seat.” Turns out I had been sitting on them the entire time I was driving. Now that is embarrassing and sad (how do I not feel Jenny’s ten pound keys on my rear-end?), but luckily nobody cool from school was around otherwise I would have been picked on for weeks. You know how kids can be.
Have a good week I know I will
Eric Jones
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