Ravings of a Mad Man: vol. 6.24
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid then open it and remove all doubt
There is a popular song, yes it is still popular, that says, "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…" I have come to find out that lying is something most everybody does, like 100% of humans, even my 2-year lies right to my face. So I have been on a quest to uncover the most common lies that humans tell. Since I am a young man in suburbia Utah my list of the most common lies is way different than the lies a young man from the streets of downtown New York would compile. But I like to think that the most common lie of all, that I have come to determine, is a global phenomena and everybody truly does do it. I have always been an exaggerator, but in my exaggerations I feel it is okay because usually the exaggeration is a number and I always say, "Like" prior to the number altering. For example, if I were ever in a fight with some hunks over my honor or the honor of my woman (please note that I don't normally call my wife 'my woman' but hey if I am fighting hunks I must the type of guy that calls his wife, his woman. You get the point right?) I would tell the story that I had to fight like 3 hunks that were all 6'5" and 250lbs. In all actuality what really happened was I only fought 1 hunk that was 5'5" and 125lbs. But really I would have just run off regardless of whom or what it was trying to dishonor me (but not if they dishonored my woman) and hoped Jenny could out run the hunk too. Really I would just quote the Hulk Hogan classic Suburban Commando, "What are you nuts? This is the 90's we're going to sue you." So in my investigative reporting I found that other people do this to, usually they are the same type of person as I am. You know, human, everybody likes to make themselves look and feel better by saying the event lasted longer took more effort and was cooler than the other humans experience.
Okay so now that we have that out of the way, what are some of the biggest lies that I have found in my life being told or committed by the human race? The first one has to deal with people seeking "honest" opinions on how they look. I am sure in the time it took me to type this sentence like 500 people asked another person how they look and were lied to. It is the only logical explanation for a lot of the outfits you see in public. I am all about being comfortable but these tight jeans that the kids are wearing now a days, there is no place to put your junk. Now come on people I was talking about cell phones, wallets and keys. With this outfit trend I like to think that the coalition for fanny packs is rubbing their hands together just waiting for Justin Timberlake to wear a fanny pack so he can carry his junk. Then their slogan could be, "Fanny packs, came back with sexy."
The next lie I found was the ever so delightful, "Yeah I am like 5 minutes away I will be there soon." Then 20 minutes later they show up and say they got stuck in traffic. A double lie. I have to come clean I actually really like this lie. A lie invented by the procrastinator for the procrastinator. That is all I am going to say about that.
Finally the lie I believe to now be a global phenomena is the following. With the advent of computers our lives have gotten easier. I tell you where they haven't gotten easier are reading those stupid user license agreements. You know you find something cool on the internet or you bought a new software game or something and you are too excited to go through the setup so you just start clicking like there is no tomorrow. Finally the program is installed and there is just one more thing, the user license agreement. You have to click the button that says, "I have read and agreed to the above agreement." Not only do humans not read these, they probably don't truly agree to them either. Because let's be honest people, I feel like we can be honest in our circle of trust, once you have the software installed you are doing everything you can to break that user agreement. I have seen it like a million times.
Honorable Mention Lies: How tall you are, the Speed Limit, Diets, and Jazz Fans.
Trivia Time: With a surprising guess of 10/10/11 Tim will probably win the BBJ pool. I am guessing it will happen on 9/27/11. So if you want a chance to win something from Brenda's basement then you need to venture a guess on when BBJ will be born. The doctor's guess is 10/5/11.
Have a good week I know I will
This message was approved by Eric Jones